The First Time You Have to Sit With Someone’s Pain (And Can’t Fix It)
The Moment It Becomes Real
There is often a turning point in training when therapy stops feeling theoretical and becomes deeply human. A client shares something painful — loss, trauma, grief — and you realize there is no immediate solution. There is no technique that will take it away in that moment.
This can feel heavy. You may notice a strong internal reaction — a desire to say something that will help, ease, or fix the situation. When nothing feels like enough, it can lead to self-doubt or a sense of inadequacy. You may wonder if you’re doing something wrong simply because the pain is still present.
This moment, while uncomfortable, is actually one of the most important shifts in becoming a therapist. It marks the transition from problem-solving to presence.
The Urge to Fix
The instinct to fix is deeply human. In everyday relationships, offering advice or solutions is often seen as supportive. In therapy, however, this instinct can sometimes move too quickly past the client’s emotional experience.
When pain is met with immediate solutions, it can unintentionally send the message that the feeling needs to be changed or resolved right away. This can create distance rather than connection.
Learning to notice the urge to fix — and choosing not to act on it immediately — allows space for something deeper to happen.
What Clients Actually Need
In many cases, what clients need most is not a solution, but a space where their experience can exist without being rushed or minimized. Feeling understood and validated can be more impactful than being given advice.
This doesn’t mean you’re passive. You are actively engaged — listening, reflecting, and responding in a way that supports the client’s process. Your presence becomes the intervention.
Over time, clients often develop greater insight and resilience when they are given the space to fully experience and understand their emotions.
Redefining What It Means to Help
One of the biggest shifts in becoming a therapist is redefining what it means to help. It’s not always about changing the situation — it’s about supporting the person within it.
When you shift from fixing to holding space, the pressure decreases. You no longer need to have the perfect response. Instead, you focus on being present, attuned, and responsive.
This is where much of the therapeutic work actually happens.
Learning to Stay Present
Staying present with difficult emotions requires emotional regulation. You may notice your own discomfort rising — the urge to move away from the feeling or change the subject.
Instead of reacting, you can focus on grounding yourself. Paying attention to your breath, your posture, and your tone can help you remain steady in the moment.
Over time, this ability to stay present becomes more natural.
Redefining What It Means to Help
Helping in therapy is not always about making things better immediately. It is often about supporting the client in understanding, processing, and moving through their experience.
This shift in perspective can reduce pressure and increase confidence. You are not responsible for removing pain — you are there to support the client as they navigate it.
At From Degree to Practice, we emphasize these real, nuanced aspects of clinical work — the moments that define your growth as a therapist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel like I need to fix things?
Yes. It’s a common instinct, especially early in training.
What if I feel helpless in session?
That feeling is part of the process and often signals growth.
What should I focus on instead?
Presence, validation, and emotional attunement.
Will this get easier?
Yes. With experience, your confidence in holding space will grow.