What to Say When a Client Says “I Don’t Know”
Why “I Don’t Know” Triggers Therapist Anxiety
Few phrases create as much internal panic for new therapists as “I don’t know.” The room suddenly feels quiet. You may notice your heart rate increase or your thoughts scrambling for the “right” follow-up question. Self-doubt can creep in quickly: Did I ask that wrong? Am I missing something? Is the session losing momentum?
This reaction is incredibly common, especially in early clinical training. Many graduate programs focus heavily on theory and intervention models but provide limited preparation for ambiguous, emotionally complex moments. As a result, when sessions do not move neatly from insight to insight, new therapists often assume they are doing something wrong.
In reality, “I don’t know” is not a failure of technique. It is a clinical moment — and often a meaningful one. Learning to tolerate and work within these moments is a foundational step in building clinical confidence.
Understanding What “I Don’t Know” Can Mean
“I don’t know” is rarely literal. Most clients are not saying they truly have no internal experience. More often, the phrase signals one of several possibilities:
Emotional overwhelm
Fear of vulnerability
Limited emotional vocabulary
Avoidance of a painful topic
Shame
A protective defense
Difficulty accessing internal states
For some clients — particularly those with trauma histories — not knowing can reflect dissociation or emotional numbing. For others, it may signal cognitive overload. The key is to approach the phrase with curiosity rather than urgency.
Instead of focusing on the words alone, observe the context. What question preceded it? Did their body language shift? Did they look away, tense up, or sigh? These nonverbal cues often reveal more than the verbal response itself.
When you begin to view “I don’t know” as information rather than resistance, your anxiety decreases and your clinical thinking expands.
Common Therapist Mistakes in These Moments
When therapists feel anxious, they often move quickly to regain control of the session. This can show up in several ways:
Rapidly rephrasing the question
Asking multiple follow-up questions in succession
Offering interpretations too quickly
Switching topics prematurely
Filling silence with psychoeducation
While these responses are understandable, they often increase pressure on the client. Rapid questioning can feel interrogative. Immediate interpretation can feel intrusive. Topic switching can unintentionally communicate that the client’s internal block is problematic.
Another common mistake is internalizing the moment as incompetence. Early-career therapists often equate fluid sessions with effectiveness and pauses with failure. This belief fuels imposter syndrome and performance anxiety.
Remember: therapy is relational, not performative. Stuck moments are part of the work.
What to Say Instead: Skillful Clinical Responses
The goal is not to eliminate “I don’t know,” but to explore it. Below are grounded responses that maintain safety while deepening the work:
“That makes sense. Sometimes it’s hard to put words to things.”
“Let’s slow down for a moment. What are you noticing right now?”
“If you had to guess, what might be underneath that?”
“Is there a part of you that has a sense, even if it’s small?”
“What makes this hard to answer?”
“Would it help if we approached it differently?”
These responses reduce pressure and validate uncertainty. They also gently invite reflection without demanding immediate clarity.
Shifting from content (“What happened?”) to process (“What’s happening right now?”) often unlocks new insight.
The Clinical Power of Silence
Silence can feel unbearable for new therapists. However, therapeutic silence is not emptiness — it is space for integration. Many clients have never been given unhurried room to reflect without interruption.
When you tolerate silence calmly, you model regulation. Your nervous system becomes an anchor in the room. If you rush to fill the space, clients may interpret that their uncertainty is unacceptable.
Developing tolerance for silence requires practice. Notice your internal dialogue during pauses. Are you telling yourself the session is failing? Are you predicting negative outcomes? These thoughts are often more about your anxiety than the client’s needs.
Over time, you will discover that some of the most meaningful therapeutic breakthroughs occur immediately after a quiet pause.
Case Conceptualization: Thinking Beyond the Moment
When a client says “I don’t know,” ask yourself:
Is this a pattern?
Does it show up around specific topics?
Is it connected to attachment style?
Is this a cognitive defense or an emotional block?
Integrating theory into these moments strengthens your clinical reasoning. For example:
In CBT, “I don’t know” may reflect avoidance of cognitive distortions.
In psychodynamic work, it may signal defense mechanisms protecting against painful affect.
In attachment-focused therapy, it may indicate difficulty accessing internal states.
Having a conceptual anchor allows you to respond intentionally rather than reactively.
Regulating Yourself Before You Respond
Before speaking, take a breath. Ground your body. Notice your feet on the floor. Therapist anxiety often drives urgency. Regulating yourself for even a few seconds can shift the tone of the session dramatically.
Clients often unconsciously attune to your nervous system. If you appear calm and curious, they are more likely to remain engaged. If you appear tense or rushed, they may retreat further.
Clinical confidence is not about eliminating anxiety. It is about responding thoughtfully despite it.
Building Long-Term Clinical Confidence
Moments like “I don’t know” become less intimidating when you have repeatable session structures and intervention frameworks. Confidence grows through:
Repetition
Reflection
Supervision
Structured training
Case conceptualization practice
Many early-career therapists feel anxious because they lack a practical roadmap for navigating common stuck moments. Knowing why and when to use certain responses reduces performance pressure significantly.
At From Degree to Practice, we focus on bridging the gap between theory and application. We teach clear session flow models, practical language tools, and structured frameworks that help you move through uncertainty without panic. When you understand the underlying function of clinical moments, your confidence becomes more stable and less dependent on perfection.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is “I don’t know” a sign of resistance?
Not necessarily. It may reflect avoidance, overwhelm, limited emotional language, or fear. Context matters more than the phrase itself.
Should I confront the client about avoiding?
Direct confrontation is rarely helpful early on. Gentle curiosity tends to foster greater safety and exploration.
What if the client continues to say “I don’t know”?
Explore patterns. Is the question too abstract? Is the client emotionally dysregulated? Consider shifting to body awareness or concrete examples.
Will this feel less stressful over time?
Yes. With repetition, supervision, and structured learning, your tolerance for ambiguity increases and your anxiety decreases.